My Blog

Wow, it’s been almost a year since I last wrote here.  Seems to me that this year was quite hectic that I can’t find the time to even post my holiday greetings. Oh well, the new year has set in and I am still in a frenzy as to how to start the year right.  When I recently got my well-deserved Starbucks planner (with spending only a few hundred pesos by asking friends to fill up my coupon, hehehe), I decided to log in a few of my resolutions for the year and hopefully get to fulfill them not only this year but for the rest of my pathetic but relatively meaningful life. 

1. Be thankful…always!  I’m not exactly known to be a whiner but I feel that there are certain "luxuries" that I deserve.  But nevertheless, when I see other people’s miseries, just like the recent Bicol tragedy, I feel so blessed to live in the city with family and friends still intact.  Now, whenever I feel down, I just look up in the sky and talk to God to take away whatever pain I’m feeling.  And guess what?  It really does work.

2. Shut up when you have nothing nice to say.  Backstabbing is a common menial crime of some, I included. The newbies in the gym, the office heartthrob, the newly-promoted officer, we all have things to say about other people and they are not exactly nice words.  I have vowed that whatever achievement other people have, I will be truly happy for them and pray that somehow, someday, I will be as successful as them.

3. Be content but never stop dreaming.  I am not rich.  Unfortunately, the riches that should’ve been bestowed on us by our grandparents went up in flames many years ago during the war. I am not a manager, instead, I manage accounts ranging from very small companies to enterprises.  I am not drop-dead gorgeous.  Heck, I don’t even comb my hair.  But I have learned that whatever you have is the result of what you really want.  I may not be filthy rich, but I sure am rich with friends who love me.  I may not be a manager, but I am definitely spared of the stress that come with the position.  I am not beauty queen material but who says you have to be a beauty queen to be beautiful. I have been known to turn a few heads once in a while.  I just wish that one day, I can just sit comfortably in my own house in the province, sipping my kapeng barako and just while the time away.  Simple indulgences are the only things I aspire for and I know I can achieve them soon.

3. Be the best in whatever you do.  Whatever it is that I do, whether doing proposals, learning a new aero step or just talking to clients, I will make sure that I give my 100% best.

4. Share your blessings.  Since I don’t want to put my singing talent to waste, I have vowed to share my little God-given talent to others. Spreading joy and cheer all year round by singing will not hurt, I suppose.  A few jitters during the first few seconds of a performance would be okay.  The smiles of happy and contented faces will surely compensate for the jitters I will experience.

5. Save for the rainy days.  No more unnecessary shopping for me.  I have to admit that I have been splurging my monthly budget on sports outfits that I rarely use.  Budgeting would definitely be part of my monthly tasks everytime I get my pay.

Oh well, these are just some of the resolutions I came up with.  To sum it up, I will try to be a better person this year, and stick to it, no matter what.  Aside from getting fit and losing all the flabs, beign a beautiful person inside and out should always be a priority in every person’s resolution list. Oh, nd yes, I will try to blog my thoughts at least every week.  I just got 2 notebooks this year and I believe this is a sign for me to write in more often.

Happy New Year, folks! 

When I was in high school, my closest friends and classmates would often rave on how strong my resemblance is to Korina Sanchez, with my long straight hair and chubby cheeks. Because of the resemblance, they have called me a couple of names relating to Korina.  Ina, Cory, Kor-kor, etc.  But the name that stands out in my mind and which I hold dear in my heart is the name Kuring.

My loving the name does not imply that I am indeed confirming that I look like the feisty journalist.  Instead, Kuring stands for something else.  Kuring stands for kuripot or stingy.  My sisters would often call me Kuring especially during family discussions that would revolve around costs.  I would laugh everytime one of my siblings would retort na wag na daw akong isama at magrereklamo na naman ako sa presyo.

I was not always like this.  Back in college, I never really thought about the cost of going to a prestigious school.  Sure, I had only 50 bucks in my wallet and I had to scrimp on my measly allowance to buy some materials for school but I do remember that I always have money to spare to at least watch a movie at Greenbelt.  I did not care when my my wallet was already screaming for a refill because I had to buy the manual I needed for a my Bio class.  All I knew back then was life is too short not to spend.

When I began working, I began to realize the value of money.  I bought a few set of clothes with my very first paycheck and was surprised to find myself complaining of how expensive the clothes were.  I used to take the cab from work to Landmark and that alone would cost me around P30, an amount that I would readily spend for lunch.  So after a few days of adjustment in my work and in my new surroundings, I found ways and means to save money and that was how I became the Kuring in my family.  Instead of buying clothes on a single purchase, I buy at least one piece of clothing every pay day, a good way to reward myself for 15 days of hard labor.  I began to discover shortcuts going to Landmark without having to ride a cab (savior talaga yang mga underpass na yan e). I was also always on the lookout for good buys.  A nice, expensive blouse at Penshoppe would mean that there is an alternative at the local tiangge.  I would find blouses at such a good deal that even if I splurge, I would still get to save a few hundred pesos.  I bring packed lunch to work and get to share this with officemates.  My merienda would consist of one banana que from the stainless stalls and Pepsi Max from 7-11 and my hunger satisfied before hitting the gym.  Coffee is provided by the company and when I feel the urge to nap in the middle of a working day, it is readily available in the pantry.  No more Starbucks and Coffee Bean for me (unless I am challenged to complete stickers for a nice planner or a free macchiato).  I buy DVDs from the tiangge (except Tagalog films which I would buy in original VCD formats).  Sa States naman gawa yun e.  Sila lang ang makikinabang e di ibili ko na lang ng pirated, hehehe.  I take the cab only when I need to see a client.  Pero kung kayang lakarin, nilalakad ko.  Pero in fairness, namaintain ko ang ganda ng paa ko.  At wala pang spa yan, ha.  Hahaha!

Of course, there are times that I feel I deserve to reward myself.  With the money I saved, it could mean a new CD, a digicam, an MP3 or MP4 player, or if I’m really lucky, a new high-tech cellphone.  It does help that I live a very simple lifestyle and my needs are very simple (that would be in another blog soon), and I only have to have the basics just to keep me happy.  Being a Kuring sometimes equates to being practical, and I know that I am being practical when I try to save for the rainy days.  And I’m telling you, I’m about to face a storm sometime soon.  I have not saved enough yet but I have placed my money in something that I know would benefit me and my family in the future.

Kuring na kung kuring.  At least katunog pa rin ng Korina. Come to think of it, Korina and I are the same in some ways.  Feisty, determined, strong…..wait, I digress, hehehehe.  GTG.  Excuse me while I get my newly-bought iPod Nano.

I always look forward to post-Christmas reunions with my maternal relatives.  Not only do we try to catch up on each other’s lives but i also get to hang out in my fave place in my cousin’s house–the kitchen.  Eversince we started the tradition of seeing each other a few days before New Year, I have always stayed in the kitchen to check on the food to be served on the table and to bond with my aunt’s "kasambahay" whom I have learned to love so dearly.  During one of the conversations I had with them, Kuya Danny, the family driver related, how, at one point, he went past our village’s guards without having to surrender his ID. Kuya Danny was to deliver my aunt’s gift to my mom.  Upon reaching the association’s gate, the guard blocked his way and asked where he was headed. Not being in the mood to surrender his precious ID, he said that needed to go to the Ocampos to bring a gift.  The guard, having been just hired a few days ago, was not familiar with the family names in our association and was just staring and waiting for Kuya Danny to say something more familiar.  Desperate, Kuya Danny thought of an ingenious way to describe where he was headed.  He chose to desribe my arm.  Making the inverted C-shape on his arm, the guard lightened up and pointed to our house.  That is where the girl with the crooked arm lives.

My arm has always been my "trademark" and never fails to gather a few glances whenever I walk by.  Resulting from an accident 11 years ago, my arm has become the major topic of conversation in reunions or in other get-togethers that I usually attend.  Some are at awe, others are bothered.  Others are just plain curious on how I get to lift heavy objects without having to break my ulna again.

Not that I am complaining.  How can I complain when people come up to me and instead of asking for my name, they ask you how me how i got my arm? (Cute guys included, hehehe.)  Instant friends, i get, that’s for sure.  How can I complain when whenever I ask favors, one glance at my arm and like Aladdin, I get top priority and all my favors are granted?  How can I complain when friends describe me in a very unusual way?  And when they do, I get instant recognition and they would be given priority as well.  And I have been a symbol of strength and courage and have been an inspiration for those who went or are undergoing certain tragedies in their life for them to come out of it with nary a scratch.  My arm has also been a very effective foot in the door with my clients. They ask what happened to my arm, they become interested, and wham, I get the purchase order.  Not all is well, however.  I feel pain emotionally when I encounter people who see me as diffently-abled.  I feel abused when they make fun of my arm as if I was born a freak.  Or when people pity me because I am just a "cute" girl na may diperensya ang kamay and they would describe just my arm and not the other positive attributes I believe I have.  Or when doctors volunteer to fix it to give me more market value knowing that I have been living a single life at 32.  (Hello, mukha ba kong isda?)  It hurts when I hear people say that I will no longer be taken seriously because of my "situation" and that I will only gather pity and not true and genuine love or when people set limits to my own movements kasi di ko pa kaya.  How dare them think of me as helpless.  Excuse me, I can still carry heavy loads with my left arm and it could still pack a mean punch when provoked.  Not to mention the physical pain when it gets hit accidentally or when the cold weather sets in and you can’t even move it. 

But when I weigh the pros and the cons of it, the pros definitely still outweigh the cons.  Sticks and stones may break my bones (no pun intended) but names will never hurt me.  They can say what they have to say about my arm.  But life is so wonderful to dwell on my crooked arm.  I have lived the past 11 years of my life as if nothing happened. I have made positive changes in my life and I am loving me all the more, crooked arm or not. Who knows, just like J. Lo’s butt, my arm would be become a major fashion statement and cosmetic surgeons will make a killing out of people who want their arms crooked as well, hahaha!

So if you see a girl with a crooked left arm and an equally crooked smile, you can’t go wrong, you have just encountered the legendary Doodle.  And don’t be afraid to say hi.  My arm doesn’t bite, you know.

What a week this turned out to be!  I feel like I have just been taken for a ride and I am just sooooo glad it’s over.  I have been venting out my anger and frustration in the gym and in the courts that after a while, the exhaustion has made me feel numb from all the thoughts that have been running in my mind lately.

So what’s next for me?  I don’t really know.  But one thing is for sure.  I refuse to let my frustration bring me down.  Life surely must go on.  There is always work to go to in the morning, friends to see and new people to meet.  I refuse to sit and cry. I will not give in to depression as I am surrounded by people who I know care for me and will never leave me. 

I am slowly going back to where I started.  It really isn’t so bad, actually.  After all, I have gone thru a lot these past three years.  People say that you have to go thru three different phases before you move forward - rejection, denial, acceptance.  Lucky me, I did not have to go thru denial.  I have accepted that life does not always go as you planned.  And the recent event in my life is further proof to that.  I did not plan on falling in love, it just happened.  I did not plan on falling for the wrong person, I just did.  I did not plan on getting hurt, it was just the way it should be.  And I did not plan on going back to square one, but I know I should.

Going back to square one does not mean I will have to search again for true love.  Going back means getting in touch with my human side, being with the people who truly matter and living the life that I have always wanted.  Pain should not bring me down, instead it should lift my spirits high knowing that I have survived thru it and have lived to even talk about it.  There are still other beautiful people out there waiting for my acquaintance and I should not disappoint them, should I? :)  Life is always a matter of choice.  And I choose to be happy now that I know I am free.

One day, I will look back and read this blog and say to myself how foolish I was to even give in to the hurt.  But if that day comes, I have already moved a step further and I have known what happiness really is.

Today is a momentous day for me.  Today, I have finally decided to just let go and let God.  I am officially free from the ties that bind me and let me tell you why.

The truth has definitely set me free.  This morning, I have unmasked the real color of some people who have tried for the longest time to hurt me.  I have come to a realization that this person does not deserve any humane treatment from anyone and anybody.  Not that I feel I should be vindicated by hurting him as well.  I have always believed in the law of karma.  Whether he is playing mind games again or he really is married, I could now say that I couldn’t care less.  The thought that he has hurt me a million times does mean that I have to move on and move forward.  Looking back, I should have done it a long, long time ago but because I was blinded by love and understanding, I had to give in to fate.  Now I know and I am thankful.

God is truly wonderful.  He has been giving me the answers for so long and it is just now that I realize that He wants me to see the bigger picture.  He has given me more than what I have asked for and I pray that He will continue to guide me and protect me from the snares of human emotions.  This time I know better and this time I know what to do.

I am ready to face the world again and I am happy that I am finally free of the ties that bind me.

My ever-kulit pamangkin has this habit of doing countdowns to any special occasion at home.  My birthday was no exception.  He’d tease me and tell me, " Tita Kaka, di ba ang birthday mo sa 21 November?" and I would shrug him off and tease him back that if the doesn’t get my birthday right, he will be left alone to eat whatever is left in the fridge when the whole family is off to some swanky resto.  He’d give me a toothy grin and would go back to whatever he was doing at that time.

Eversince I could remember, my birthday is filled with moments, wonderful and otherwise.  Looking back 11 years ago, on this same day, I met an accident which changed my life forever.  Spending my birthday on a hospital bed with a gallon of water to keep my fractured leg steady was not exactly ideal but being the positive person that I am, I chose to think that at least long-lost friends, relatives and what-have-yous would want to greet me to brighten up my very "happy" birthday.  That’s me, always looking at the positive side of things.  Until last Tuesday when my whole world came crashing down.

Last weekend was a typical weekend for me.  Grocery in the morning, lunch with mommy, nap in the afternoon.  8 months is such a long time to delve into the past and I was not expecting anything real anymore.  I received a text message from an unknown no. and was asking if we could be friends.  I asked who the sender was and how he got my name.  When he did not reply, I decided to just forget the whole thing.  That night while I was fixing my bag, my brother-in-law went out of the room to give me my phone as it was ringing incessantly for the past 1 hour or so.  When I checked, a different no. flashed and I was already compelled to drop the call.  I checked the message, and voila, the text was so familiar that I did not have to ask who it was.  Simply put, it was someone who left me 8 months ago and was trying to win his way back.  Funny thing is, he could not even answer all my questions: Is he ready for a commitment? Is he willing to intro me to his family, Is he willing to fight for me?  All he can say was that he would be waiting for me in the south and we will talk.  After saying his usual I-love-yous, I did not hear anything from him anymore.

Monday had passed and nary a word from him, I decided to text him and ask if he is serious in his offer, not even implying that we were meeting up to discuss us.  That was around 8:30 and after two hours, another no. replied saying that she was the wife and she doesn’t want me to text anymore.  I was so shocked and numbed and just couldn’t move an inch when I read the message.  I replied back and said that they will not hear from me ever again and had I known that he was married, I would not have replied.

That was the last time I ever got in touch with "him".  I was in a rollercoaster of emotions and I have not cried eversince.  It had to happen a few days before my birthday! I couldn’t make any sense of the fact that it is I he chose to hurt despite all the goodness and patience I have shown him.  It pains my heart that he chose my birthday to drop the bomb on me and use me for whatever agenda he has.  But despite it all, I will still choose to celebrate my birthday with a bang and with the people who truly matter.  My life will not stop and my world will keep on revolving no matter what.  I am scarred, but I know my scars would remind me of how far I have gone.  Looking back, it would just be part of the never-ending process called life.  And as a friend would put it, I am too blessed to be depressed.

I do hope next year would be a good year for me.  At least I have something to look forward to.

I woke Friday morning with a slight pain in my right knee.  When I went to the bathroom to prepare for work, i saw a really large "pasa" and wondered how I got it.  Then I remembered my badminton game Thursday night and I accidentally hit my right knee trying to return a smash. 

I have been playing badminton for almost three years now.  I used to think na larong kalye lang ang badminton until I was able to play on a real court.  I used to weigh a really hefty 145 lbs.  Pumayat pa ko ng lagay na yun.  But after playing 2 days for 2 straight hours for the first two months, I realized that I was beginning to lose around 5 - 10 lbs which is no small feat, considering that I have been going on and off diets.  I decided to make a "career" out of it and I began to like it.  Eating out was no longer a problem as I know I can still burn it at night by playing at least 2 hours non-stop.  Not only did I lose a lot of weight.  I’m down to 103 lbs by just playing badminton (I recently enrolled in a gym just to make sure I maintain my weight and figure) I also met a lot of friends, enemies (hehehe) and I have learned that indeed, if you have the determination, you can achieve anything.

You can say I owe it to the sport.  I am still very much an amateur player albeit my 2-yr relationship with badminton.  I have yet to learn the footwork (may bakal po ang hita ko), the hits (wrist ang ginagamit, iha, hindi yung braso), the smashes (hit it from above).  I still long for the day when I can join tournaments and prove my worth.  That day will come soon.  And when that day comes, I will be ready to embrace it.

Hmmm, I think I have another hematoma on my left hand that I presumed came from another game with another group. But I’m glad.

My bestfriend and I had dinner the other night and were discussing things at work when she suddenly blurted out that her officemates seem to gang up on her.  She has done everything that she could, from apologizing profusely to talking to her teammates but to no avail.  Knowing how nice she is, I understand where she’s coming from but as I always say, different strokes for different folks.  You can’t please everybody.

She wanted to share her sentiments with me as she knew that I was going thru the same thing.  But the difference is that I have practiced the art of "deadma".

I used to be Ms. Amity, Ms. Congeniality, Friendship and there was a time they called me Popular Girl because of the so many friends I have.  It seems that I was a friend to everyone, small, big, rich, poor, and the list goes on.  But alas, all things must come to an end.  I learned in time that there are friends who are friends only when they need you and when they don’t need you anymore, they ditch you and dump you like a hot potato.  I have cried endlessly thinking of the efforts that I used to exert just to win them back…but as I said I have learned and I am coming back, with a silent vengeance.

I now keep a shield around me.  Sure, you would still see me around the corner, smiling, talking to people, giving solicited advice but I am now more wary of the people around me.  I carefully choose friends to keep and I am trying to keep it to a minimum.  And more importantly, when I hear things that aren’t exactly to my liking, just shrugging my shoulders and walking away has been my way of warding off nasty talks and the nasty people that spread them.

Reality is you cannot please everybody.  Some may have a very limited capacity to understand and to reach out to people.  I am very sensitive, true.  But keeping a shield around me has helped me cope with the negative elements surrounding me. I have heard others saying how bitchy I could be instead of outspoken, uber sensitive instead of understanding, "mayabang" instead of assertive.  But all things said, I have practiced the art of not minding what people have to say and just go on with life as if I heard nothing.  So what? Sila ba ang nagpapakain sa kin?  Mamamatay ba ko pag di nyo ko pinansin?  Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.  Say all you want but I am still keeping my head up high.  I am outspoken, assertive and confident.  Leave it at that.

So to you, friend, just do what you have to do.  We all breathe the same air anyway.  Mapapagod din ang mga yan, pero maganda ka pa rin….:) Gets?

Another boring working week has passed.  Gosh, I would really, really want a massage!  Grabe, sakit ng ng katawan ko, sakit pa ng utak ko.  Yes, hooray, hooray, nagagamit ko rin pala ang utak ko kahit papano.  Been squeezing my brains out for sales strats, proposals (both decent and indecent, hehehe) and how to balance my life altogether.  No wonder, they have been calling me manang this past few weeks.  I have been irritable for like most of the week and I, myself, can’t figure out why.  Must be the age.

Hmmm…what have I been up to lately.  Let’s try to sum it up and see if I do have a life.

Saturday, went out with badminton buddies, had dinner and coffee and chilled out at 19 East.  Catching up with each other’s lives seemed to lighten me up a bit.  Sobrang dami ng kwento.  Got home at around 2am and caught up with my sister to watch a couple of dvds. 

Sunday, family day it is.  Woke up, went to the market, slept, had lunch, walked a little, and slept again. Woke up, watched Will and Grace, Harry Potter and guess what I did after that…:)

Monday to Thursday, had to contend with rowdy clients, a lame paranoia, and a couple of morons who think they can control the whole world.  Going to the gym seems to be the only logical activity that I have.  I’m so beginning to love aero, treadmills, bench and not to mention the trainors (hehehe). Good de-stresser, if you’d ask me.  Was crying and laughing at the same time (this is bad…really bad!)  Ang hirap din ng papangakuan ka ng kliyente tapos di naman bibili.  I will now treat the sales ladies at the tiangge with more respect and consideration.

Friday, I thought everything would settle down by the weekend.  Dead wrong.  All reports, may saysay o wala, had to be submitted.  Day before badminton tournament and had to cancel out the last minute due to changes in schedules.  Nasayang ang bago kong raketa, huhuhu. Our once in a lifetime General Staff meeting was held Friday and I felt the urge to go to the gym rather than attend GSM.  Turned out I had a very special citation:  Exemplary Attendance.  Ironic, isn’t it?  Had a special award for attendance and turned out that I was not even there to accept it.  Felt guilty and went back to accept my award and catch the last part of the event.  Got another spa certificate which is adding up to my waiting-to-be-used certificates.(kailan, o kailan?) Wanted to watch the Corpse Bride but it turned out that two of my friends had to back out.  Twas really okay to watch it alone but since I attended the GSM, might as well stay for more chika.  Got home earlier than expected with my “pabaon” spaghetti and pizza leftover.  Shared the meal with mommy, Ate Belen (who looks so much better now) and An-an while watching Sassy Girl.  Dozed off in the middle of my crossword puzzle and woke up with all the other members of the family gone to sleep.  Decided to watch my new CSI dvds and as usual, slept in the middle of watching it.

So I guess, you know by now how my life is at work and at home.  Pretty pathetic, isn’t it?  But m not complaining.  Just hoping to have a little spice in my life soon.  Really, really soon.

Recentlly, some of the my relatives from the States flew in for a short vacation in the Phils.  Siempre, being the Filipinos that we are, we had a series of reunions.  At dahil nga Pilipino tayo, when my relatives saw me, the first question that they asked was, "Wala ka pa bang balak magasawa?  Di ba kaya ka nagpapayat kasi gusto mo ng magkaboyfriend?"

Boy, was I really dumbfounded.  Most people tend to equate "pagpapaganda" to "para magkaboyfriend o para magkaasawa".  Kelan pa pinagbawal sa saligang batas ng Pilipinas ang magpapayat para sa sariling kalusugan.  But just the same, I understand how my relatives feel.  I cannot consider myself young anymore.  At 31, I should have at least two kids by now and a husband in tow.  But with the way marriages of people my age end up, you’d think a hundred, a million times before taking the plunge.  Nandyan yung magboyfriend sila for seven years and when they got married, my friend just learned that her husband had three kids with three women.  Tatlong panganay!  And as expected, they parted ways with her 3 months on the way.  Talk of lifetime commitment.

I have not found the man who would stand up for me, or yet, he has not found me. :)  All the men I meet are either dorks, liars or slackers.  Kung talagang desperado ako, I would’ve opted to go for any of these men.  But I have accepted my fate.  I may or may not marry and that’s perfectly fine with me.  I have been saving up for the rainy days.  Sabi ko nga sa Dyos, di na bale sigurong wala akong boyfriend o di na ako magkakaasawa basta magkaron na lang ako ng magandang career para makaipon sa aking katandaan.  How dramatic, but realistic.  I am still hoping for the day that I will have my own family, but for now, I am enjoying the company of friends and family.  And besides, I cannot afford to have my heart broken again.  My last relationship did not exactly end up on a good note and I don’t want to go thru that again.  Mamahalin ko na lang yung badminton racket ko.  It may not be able to reciprocate my love, but at least, di naman ako sasaktan.

So why am I not married yet?  Wag na, maging telenobela pa to.